It had been some time ago that I last felt like I was in control of things. It's an illusion, the feeling of control.. or at least it can be. I'm one of the people in this World that tends to see things as relative to their respective situations, and choose to hopefully not get swept up in fleeting moments. The thing is, when you are in a frame of mind for so long, or on a thought that started as a fleeting moment.. you begin to believe that you are that particular guy.. or that girl as the case may be. For me, that was being a loner. I connected with the solitude of what it was to see the World from a solo style of view. Not that I felt as though I was some sort of elitist and was above others.. quite the contrary I often felt like I had much work to do personally to fit in.. wherever "in" was. So i stuck to myself and made myself believe that it was for the best. No one to depend on, and no one to have to depend on me. It was all part of that "i'm invincible" stage of life that many go through. Until I found another that I felt like I connected with so completely, I then gave in to the feeling of not being a loner anymore. It took some time, but I saw what it was to have the affection, and love, and energy of another in my World that wanted similar things that I did. Like, happiness.. laughter, good people, fun, travel, heartiness and adventure. Someone that wanted to learn about the World as I did through experience and first hand knowledge. It all became so clear that I was not meant to be alone, just needed to figure out who I was first before I became involved in the affairs of being in a relationship of any sort with anyone else.
It strengthened me to the point, that when that phase of my life came to a change..and we were not solely together anymore.. I felt better for having known that love and energy, and laughter and life. I became the man, the guy, the person I never thought I was.. but know myself to actually be.
Nowadays I focus on my Family, like my Mother and Siblings. I have no spouse or children of my own, but I have some very important and special people in my life that I want to help take care of. I am able to do that, because I have reconnected with the man that I never really knew before. He was always there, it was just a matter of being coached into man-hood. Having never had a strong relationship with my own Father, it took a bit longer.. but I finally feel like I started to "grow up" a few years ago. In that I mean I began to take responsibility for myself and my actions, and the "invincible" me that once existed now knows that it is all about the balance of things and that I need to be aware of my actions, because there is always a definite re-action.
I have re-connected with who I am, and now back onto what I want to be. It's all in the works, but the most satisfying part is that I know t hat now, and I can rely on myself to pull it off.
